HNT #8

I don't have a story to go here. I'm just outta the shower~

Here's the not so skinny...

How on God's green earth did I gain 10 pounds in the past 6 weeks?
Oh, like I don't know.
Virtually no exercise. Horrible eating habits. ok ok AND some poor food choices. (SOME poor food choices? that does sound better than I eat like shit everyday, doesn't it?) I had a few dates with this guy, he told me one of the reasons we really aren't compatible is because he eats healthy and I don't. I couldn't believe it. I haven't eaten fast food of any sort in months. I had an apple for breakfast and tuna and rice crackers for a moring minimeal. I eat almonds as a snack! I drink water and not soda. I get the mixed veggies instead of the baked potato! I eat fish regularly. I don't even have crap around the house(that, of course, is because I cannot be trusted with crap around the house. plain and simple-I don't say no) of course I felt wounded by this guy who wishes I would just let my guard down and trust him...when the truth is, really--I don't eat healthy, and he's not trustworthy anyway. You like how I threw that extra part on the end? He lied to me about his age(a ten year difference lie), which isn't really relevant here. all I'm doing is taking the light off my poor eating habits by making him the bad guy. I'm quite skilled at doing that by the way.
I'm also a whiz at quitting. If the going gets too tough, or I don't feel like doing the work, I just don't call or I don't do the work I said I'd do. Not much integrity there, is there? The impact that has on me is that I feel stressed out. Like I know I SHOULD be doing, finishing, calling--and I'm not. I feel insufficient. I quit lots of things, you know...relationships of all kinds, jobs, projects, tasks...gobs of stuff. I say I'll do it, and then I don't. I say I want it, but when it comes time to take it, I don't. I'm not proud of it, mind you; I've realized that this keeps me alone and often times extremely lonely. And while it "victimizes" me, it leaves others feeling like they don't matter, like I don't give a shit about them. Like they aren't important. The really slimy part is that I do all that, and cast people so far away, that I am shielded when the pieces fall as they may. I don't see how badly I make people feel. The majority of the time I don't get that I REALLY hurt people. That I am the one causing pain for others...and even if I realize it, they are so far gone, I don't see their pain. I couldn't bear it if I saw the pain I inflicted. Of course, you do know that I spend my life helping others...or appearing to. No coincidence, I guess, that I am trying to make up for it in any way that I can. It's just a circle. One that I choose. For your information, I just chose to drink a Coke (not the healthy water alternative)
In my life...even recently, I have tasted living in the moment. It's so liberating. It's what I call "the air up there"...it's in the zone. It's everywhere I've ever wanted to be. non-judgemental. open. free. Ultimately what happens, though, is that when I end the moment, I spend my time trying to get back there--instead of allowing myself to be in the possibility of "in the moment" all the time. I am afraid to be vulnerable for fear that something might happen to hurt me, and yet, it is in that vulnerability that opportunity and possiblity lay.

My angel baby...

Although I believe that Heaven exists where ever we make it, and I believe that there is Heaven here on Earth, this child was sent directly from the purest, most divine place...somewhere not of this Earth~
My weekend in California was short and sweet--just like this child. Aunty Daisy was in the hotseat the whole 5 days. He is alert and beautiful. Good natured and happy. His daddy was just like that, too. I still can't believe that my little brother is a Daddy. We went to a movie Friday, and talked about seeing another one after. My mom sneaks into other theatres, but my brother said he just couldn't do that. When I asked him why, his response was " I'm somebody's Dad, now"...this coming from a guy who used to guzzle Jack Daniels daily, and has pictures of Varga girls tatooed all over his bod...I'm so proud of him. He has a nice little house in California...nice things in his house, a wife who adores him, a job that he loves, and the most perfect angel baby ever born (that's just plain truth, that part) and really a wonderful life. I told the baby all about when we were kids...thinking about it now, though, I left out a bunch of good stories...I wonder what babies hear. I wonder what they think. I sat there staring at him, drinking in the feeling of just being with that baby. He smells just like new babies do...that smell...not Johnson's baby lotion, or even poopie diapers...that baby smell. I sat there talking to him, singing sometimes; touching his face and kissing his toes. If you rub this baby's forehead, and run your finger down his nose, his eyes close. (actually that happens with virtually every baby, but, I like to think I have the magic touch with him)
He loves me, I just know it. I wonder if it would be too much to send him a picture of his Aunty Daisy, just so he doesn't forget what I look like. His Blessing is at the begining of February, so I'll get to see him again, then...until then, I'll talk to him on the phone--maybe that sounds dorky. I cried a little when I said good-bye Saturday. I really want him to know me.
Sometimes I wish I lived out there near them, but then when I hear my sister-in-law talking about how they can't take the baby into Costco because she doesn't want him to contract RSV, I know that it's better that I'm here, where I don't have to keep my mouth shut as much. I can't judge. I've never been a first time parent. I wonder if I ever will be.

HNThanksgiving

They say that the breastmeat is the healthiest for ya, but leg and thigh's what's in store for today...

attachment

Today, one of my kids said to me "Miss! It looks like you've been gaining some weight..." and then she asked "is that mean to say?" The child and I love each other dearly. "No, " I said..."just sometimes the truth hurts, is all..." then I pretended like I weigh 400 pounds and waddled down the hall with her. Looks like Aunty Daisy is gonna have a lean Thanksgiving in California...cooing and changing diapers for the most spoiled doodle nephew on the planet AND running laps!
Before that exchange happened, I was gonna show you this necklace:

My grandmother gave it to me years ago. There's a bracelet to match. Grandmother A (Dad's mom) received it as a gift, from Grandmother B (Mom's mom) I have always loved this, but have never worn it. I love how it looks and feels around my neck today. I realized that I am attached to it, and other momentos that have been handed down from my grandparents. I have one grandmother still alive. I have a bond, even in death, with the ones gone elsewhere. I think I'd have that pit in my stomach if I lost this necklace, today. And yet, I know Grandmother is right here with me. This necklace isn't her, anymore than that sweet girl's words make me fat.

I never knew how attached to my garage door I was until it broke. This morning I realized that's just not something I'm willing to let go of. But Im gonna try anyway~

HNT #6

WOW...I haven't posted in a week. hhhmmmmm...let's see...in that week, I met the most beautiful person to ever walk, had a date with my attorney, pencilled in a date to go skydiving, arranged a trip to Atlanta (Mel, I will be emailing you regarding this)agreed to take on a 6 month leadership training role, and had an honest to goodness talk with my Mom.

Still left, however, is the desire to somehow get more than 32 comments for any post, yet still present is the aversion to posting any sort of nipple, muff, or intercourse photo. What I WILL do, however, is surf like crazy today, trying to see all of those you posted....
This pic is NOT in any way meant to reflect what you may or may not think I've been giving you for the past week...please don't see it as a cold shoulder...it's actually very welcoming--can be useful for support, caressing, leaning, the occasional crying session, and has even been known to be the base of a drunken pyramid or 2...
HHNT

xo
d.

HNT #5

To say that I put little thought into this week's HNT photo session, is an understatement.
My work of art this week is: my belly button

Head up

You know, I really don't think my life is in the crapper.
It's just lately I've felt overwhelmed.
Like I'm in a box.
What helps is lifting my head up.
Maybe shutting off the computer.
Looking outside.
Thinking of possibilities
Not worrying.
Kurt's brother http://huckswharf.blogspot.com/ posted a pic and a thought that made me smile. Made me think of fall afternoons in Michigan...
and Feetman http://feetman78.blogspot.com/ remembered that I'm from Michigan. That was sweet. (I thought it went unnoticed) On those fall days, my mom, and brother and I would drive out to some state park and hang out. We'd gather wood and make a huge fire. Cook potatoes and ground beef in tinfoil and think it to be better than a Thanksgiving feast. the weather was cool. and the longer you stayed out, the more your fingers hurt from the cold. Nobody ever was cold enough to go home, though. I never wanted those Sunday afternoons to end.
Days like I"ve had lately, I've had a tough time remembering how good it felt just to BE.
Here are some pics that help me remember that.

The first is of my new nephew.

His Aunty Daisy sent him that Halloween get-up. I cried when I saw him in it. EVERYTHING is possible for him now. It's incredible how much you can love someone you have never even met.

I took this today. It's the street just across from work.

Makes me think I'm out in the country. Free.

No school is complete without a flagpole in the parking lot. I love the sound the flags make as they dance in today's wind. As a naturalized, yankeefied Texan, I consider the Texas flag that flies along with Old Glory, part of who I am, too.

These will help me stay out of my box...LOL
(please insert whatever funny things that occur about said box)

I know there's a country song forming about new babies in punkin suits, bumpy roads and painted trees, and dancing flags in the sunshiny fall wind...

Have a good weekend~
xo
d.

HNT #4

When all else fails, post your boobs~

DAMMITALL ANYWAY

Just when I thought I had things in order...
I know life is good
but I have no boundaries
I might have to pay for more shit that I hadn't planned on
I was supposed to help Norma this morning
I feel like quitting
I know life is good
I'm tired of doing good life alone
For this moment, I have let all of this drain my power
I think I might not have one of the jobs I didn't want anyway anymore, but now I need the money more than ever, but it was nice to think that I had that time on my hands, but now I may have actually gotten the job back.
I'd like to appear like I have my shit together, but the truth is
I don't.
Right this minute I feel like crying.
and yet
if someone walked in the door needing support about all that stuff up there...I'd know just what to say.
When it comes to me saying it to myself...I know just what to say, but I don't
this too, shall pass.
Life is still good
I know it is

The chiropractor formerly known as my crush~

I picked him up from the airport yesterday. We were supposed to go car shopping, but his flight was delayed because of weather. I am a masochist. I spent about 5 hours with this man. Just hanging out. He was on the phone and texting. I read. We talked about how he doesn't want a serious relationship because he'll be moving in the next year. He must have talked about 5 other females.

I swear I got up to leave several times. Everytime he grabbed my arm or my leg, pulling me back into the seat beside him, I sat my ass back down. I didn't feel like going home. I could have gone to the gym. (note to self: if this ever happens again, go work out) He's not over his last girlfriend and just went to Austin to see her. He does not want me. I know this. He is emotionally unavailable. I know this.

Now when I'm around him, I don't blush or ramble on like a dork.

He has replica light sabers. We played with those. I did not join the dark side, don't worry. ..but it was fun.

He has a great ass and is almost always silly. Except when I am having a serious conversation with him about anything other than us or his feelings about comittment. The honest truth is(is there any other truth?) that I don't want him like "that" anymore. I'm not quite to the part where I am fixing him up with friends of mine...but that will happen eventually, too. It was comfortable to just sit around his apartment with him. Until he honked my boob like Harpo Marx's horn. Even that was funny. Funny that my panties weren't in their usual state of perplexion when that territory is explored. Funny that he is just a sweet boy who I really don't like like "that" anymore. (I know I already said that...)
And even though I don't...
What I like is that I know he thought I looked hot the other night...and I did. I had on a great lipstick, cute outfit, and some FANTASTIC new shoes. I saw him looking at me. Even though he doesn't want me, for several minutes, the thought was crossing his mind. He said so. Somehow I declined. Why that matters? Who knows?!

The good thing about being friends with my former crush, is that he is a chiropractor and works on me for free. He uses appiled kinesiology to find your adjustment needs. where they originate and where to manipulate. He told me that my adrenals are jacked up, that I need more protein, and that an apple isn't enough for breakfast. I'm gonna do some research on my adrenals...they are two lima bean like glands on top of each kidney(this I already knew) maybe they hold the key to something. Like why my hair is so gray underneath all this color. Or why the rest of my body is about two sizes smaller than my stomach. Maybe my adrenals hold the key to the door that will open a whole new world for me. A world where money is abundant. A world where someone thinks about me all day long, and then whispers in my ear about it when he sees me.
That's a lot of pressure for two lima beans, I know.

I think this concludes my essay on the chiropractor formerly known as my crush. Although this is not entirely in active or passive voice, and it may not flow like a thesis paper should...and adrenal lima beans weren't even in the topic sentence...I'm good.

Life is good.